Expert Advice

How Do I Get Her to Respond?

June 25, 2008

     By Alan and Pauly Heller Walk & Talk Ministries www.walkandtalk.org

Jerry, a sales representative for a textile firm, makes frequent calls on the furniture design studio where Mary works. He finds her attractive, and, hoping that the feeling is mutual, asks her to lunch. She says yes, and they make a date for the following day. Over a double cheeseburger (Jerry) and Asian tofu salad with dressing on the side (Mary), they share life stories. Their eyes meet across the table, and Jerry, feels encouraged by Mary’s smiling response. He’s already thinking about how their relationship is progressing and how after their next date, he’ll try to finagle a visit to her apartment where she might “slip into something more comfortable.”  

She’s saying something about how great her salad tastes and how she’d like to find more recipes for tofu dishes, and he remarks, “Your diet seems to be working really well.”

Silence. The emotional temperature drops 20 degrees. She frowns. Did he think I looked fat before? Weight is a constant battle for her. What will he think of me if I gain a couple of pounds? 

Uh oh, he thinks, suddenly not knowing what to do with his hands. He tries to make a joke, reminding her of something they’d just been laughing about, inwardly pleading for a return of her smile. Mary stares at her plate, hands folded in her lap.

Jerry asks, “Is something wrong?”

“No,” Mary replies, then adds flatly, “I think I’m ready to go now. Waiter, separate checks, please.” 

When a woman is offended, she may close her mouth along with her heart, leaving a man wondering, “How do I get her to open up?”

George Barna of the Barna Research Institute tells us that the Baby Boomer generation will have the greatest percentage of divorces in American history. And Gen Xers may be even worse. This kind of report is discouraging, but it’s why we feel the need to fight for healthy marriages through the ministry of Walk & Talk—to help people who are married, or thinking of marriage, to be strong and proactive in their relationships. We believe that one contributing factor to the breakdown of committed relationships is that men and women do not know how to listen in order to understand each other. Many men wonder how to get a woman to open up and respond positively after an offense.

In our book The Marital Mystery Tour (available at www.walkandtalk.org), we share the importance of a man accepting a woman’s invitation to enter her world and  see life’s situations from her point of view. She may be telling him of a problem or situation she has encountered, wanting him to relate to her, not fix her.  (After all, she is certainly capable of dealing with her problems when he’s not around. If she wanted his advice, she’d ask for it.) He assumes that she’s sharing a problem because she wants him to swoop in like a Caped Crusader and snatch her out of her difficulty. But she is literally “sharing” her life with him—as she would with another woman—with the underlying intention of merely finding common ground or seeking more intimacy.

A woman also wants to know that a man is “safe,” that he won’t be angry with her if she tells him something that she thinks he might not want to hear. So, men, ask yourself as you go on that date with her, “Am I fixing her or listening to her?” And don’t tune out as you “wait for your turn,” or let your mind wander and give grunts in response to what she’s saying.

In our Communication Connections Workshop, we teach couples skills to defuse the emotional tension that accompanies misunderstanding and help them learn to actively listen to one another and verbally “close the loop.” Each partner learns to be self-responsible and share his or her perspective using “I-statements” instead of the “you’s” that frequently put the other person on the defensive. Couples learn to “feed back” what’s been said without attacking the other person.

By simply reflecting or restating what one has heard until the message’s sender says, “That’s it,” the receiver demonstrates respect and value and, ultimately, love.

Males tend to want to know the “bottom line” of a story before getting all the small details filled in. They process information linearly, in categories and boxes. But the female mind usually works along a much more complex framework of mental and emotional wiring; she wants to relay the whole picture, including background, colors, smells, and how it all affected her, and eventually she will get to the point of what it is she is saying. Women tend to want to relate; men, on the other hand, want to fix problems, take action and reach a specific goal.  They want to know “What do you want?” so they can do it.

So here is a practical tip for getting her to respond. Take time to reflect what she says before giving her the answer.  Close the loop with her or him and say, “are you saying…” and then in your own words tell them what you heard.  This will lead to a much refreshing conversation.  And guys, she will feel a lot more valued in the process, and will respond to you.  These are simple skills, but not normally used in the conversations of people trying to get to know one another or, for that matter, to understand each other. But whether you are a couple or a single looking for Mr. or Miss Right, the principles are the same. Give it a try.  Let us know how it went as you practice this tip. Contact us at alan@walkandtalk.org.