Expert Articles

Straight Talk on Dating Readiness by Emily Shupert

July 10, 2009

1.  Say Goodbye to Prince Charming!

It is important, especially for women, to put your idealized fairy tales that you have had since childhood away.  Many times we want the unrealistic character who we see in the movies to be who we date and end up marrying.  This character and his/her traits vary for girls and guys in what we are looking for.  Many times guys are attracted to the woman who is a tall, thin, bombshell who respects and looks up to him as her superhero.  And often times the girls want a superhero/prince who is strong physically and able to provide for her needs.  He is someone who loves her and tells her so constantly through words, songs, and through acts of bravery.  This is what we dream of but it is a dream, an unattainable picture of what Hollywood and others portray as what we should long for.  This fairy tale version of our mates and love is not realistic nor is it Biblical.

This fairy tale sets us up for relational failure when we think that someone else could and should fill the empty places in our heart and fulfill all our desires. This is something that only God can do and He tells us so in His love letter to us, the Bible. Ephesians 4:14 states, “We take our lead from Christ, who is the source of everything we do. He keeps us in step with each other. His very breath and blood flow through us, nourishing us so that we will grow up healthy in God, robust in love.”

2.  If you want a healthy relationship, it starts with you!

As previously stated, many of us grow up wanting a knight in shining armor to rescue us from whatever situation (violent home life, perfectionistic parents, unhealthy behaviors, and addictions) we might be in.  We hope and pray for someone to rescue us but true healing is only possible through the work of the Holy Spirit coupled with our desire to change. We cannot put this spiritual-sized freight onto someone else who never was intended to carry.  However, we do so every day when we look to others to fill the desires that only God was intended to fulfill.  Having needs is normal and does not mean that we are “needy”; however, we should work on our issues/needs before putting this load on another person. Some of these needs are listed below:

          -Poor self-esteem
          - Immaturity
           -Lack of healthy boundaries
           -Unhealthy relational patterns

So what do we do when we have issues that need to be worked on?  What happens when we have past wounds that we realize we are looking to others to fix instead of fixing ourselves? 

We have several options. The first is to go to God and ask Him to reveal the broken places in our lives.  Ask him what David asked in, what I call the prayer of exposure.  David asked in Psalms 139 -  “God, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand. I'm an open book to you; even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking. You know when I leave and when I get back; I'm never out of your sight. You know everything I'm going to say before I start the first sentence. I look behind me and you're there, then up ahead and you're there, too - your reassuring presence, coming and going. This is too much, too wonderful— I can't take it all in! Investigate my life, O God, find out everything about me; Cross-examine and test me, get a clear picture of what I'm about; See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong— then guide me on the road to eternal life.”  What He exposes to you will be powerful and will take time to work through. So, I encourage you to take it to Him, your close group of friends, your mentor/pastor, and possibly a counselor. We are created for community and it will be through community that the maladaptive and unhealthy behaviors can be not only discovered but also worked through so that you are the healthiest person you can be, with or without a mate.

Not only will becoming healthy improve your own life, it will also improve your dating life.  A healthier person is more attractive and will enter into healthier and improved relationships.  Statistically, people at the same level of emotional intelligence and health attract one another.  So, if you are wondering “why do I always attract the jerks, immature guys, fill in the blank,” it is because you are most likely attracting someone who is at the same emotional and psychological maturity level as you.  In order to break this cycle, change begins with you working on your own issues first.  Once you work on yourself, your new-found confidences, independence and healthiness will attract someone else who is looking for someone with these qualities. It might sound like a lot to do on your own, but remember, God is with you to lead you in this journey and your friends will be able to support you along the way!

3.     Write your own life script and live your life now!

Your life plan should be written now.  What do you dream for yourself?  What do you want for yourself 10, 20, or 30 years down the road?  What do you want to accomplish and who do you want to be?  Thinking of these things will allow you to embrace the truth that God has a plan for you as you are, right now as a single person.  Jeremiah 29:11 states: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  Set realistic goals for yourself starting now and don’t simply wait until marriage.

Each of us should have a life plan that doesn’t include or exclude marriage.  If your life plan only includes marriage,life cannot begin until you find your spouse. However, when you engage yourself in a life that doesn’t include or exclude marriage, you are able to someday meet someone who will meet your criteria of the person you are looking for.  Then, this person can fit into your world instead of you putting your world and life on hold until you meet him/her.  This step requires a maturity that not many singles have but, if you take this step, you are headed towards greater personal and dating satisfaction as you relax through the sovereignty of God.  By doing this, you are able to forge ahead with your life - to become connected in a community of other Christians, move ahead in your career, purchase the home you desire, and do a host of others things that fulfill you. We are told in the Bible to be watchful (1 Tim. 4:16), to make good use of our time (Ephesians 5:16), and to use our gifts for the glory of God (1 Cor. 10:31).

So seek out opportunities to grow (emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, and socially) as a person and serve in His name.  Admit your fears and other feelings such as loneliness, fear of failure, and fear of getting hurt that are getting in the way of your ability to live your best life now.  Submit these emotions to God honestly and humbly ask Him to give you the peace and strength to go further in this process, as you trust Him to meet the deep longings of your heart.  He knows your needs more intimately than you even know, and He longs to fill them with Himself and through the community of others.

Ephesians 3:14 (The Message) is my prayer for you - that you would experience the fullness that comes from God and that you would communicate this love through your words and deeds to the world.  “My response is to get down on my knees before the Father, this magnificent Father who parcels out all heaven and earth. I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit—not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength—which Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you'll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ's love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God.”